Mommies constantly have stress. We spend so much time with the day-to-day that it's hard for us to calm down and focus and regroup. We feel our lives-- the life we planned-- is slipping into the diaper pail... or the carpool, or the homework drain.... and what about our life, anyway? Is it so bad to want a little ... whatever, to ourselves? Time, money, break of some kind? I read about a lady saying we need to make ourselves a priority. It is about priorities, but sometimes priorities shift. For example, sometimes we are coping well, and at other times we start getting over our heads and do need to give ourselves permission to take care of our own well-being.
If I didn't spend $240.00 a month (plus books) on piano, I could do a whole lot... get my nails done, my hair, maybe a massage... but right now I would rather have four kids playing piano and having a talent that may serve them well in the future.
If I didn't have my teens in band and sacrifice $2000 a year for that, I could pay off some debt and buy some nice clothes, instead of getting the Family Dollar clearance shirts. But I think it's more important for my kids to have this experience and keep a talent that may be a huge part of "who they are" for their lives.
If I didn't spend time getting my kids to do homework, I could spend that time doing anything I wanted-- doing makeup, reading, sleeping, getting some cleaning up done, but I choose to try to be there for them to help them with their homework and priorities.
Yes it's a choice. My priority now is that I want my kids to grow up functional adults with clear ideas of how they are useful to society. It's worth sacrificing now to be able to say, no matter how they turn out or what they do with their lives, that I gave my best NOW so I have no regrets later.
I do remember those years of cabin fever when even going to the grocery store with little ones was excruciating. I remember going the the grocery store in North Carolina with two babies in diapers watching two men smoking in line ahead of me, thinking, Nothing is worth this! This filthy store, these filthy men, being a terrible example and aggrivating my breathing problems, these rediculous prices, the fact that, however frugal I have been buying the cheapest meat available, the specials, the stuff in season, when I finish paying for these groceries I will have NOTHING left until next payday and my husband is on maneuvers with the Army and I won't see him for 3 weeks and I have no friends in this cruddy town that will babysit (or that I know well enough to ask)... Oh yes I remember those days. The days when I made fabric covered boxes because a friend was going to a craft fair, and I hoped to make $15.00 which would pay for $5.00 in the glue sticks I bought to make them (I already had the cardboard and fabric) and maybe, just maybe, ten bucks just for me... I would spend it on pacifiers so I might not have to look so hard on the floor when the baby dropped one because holding a crying baby and looking for a paccy in the middle of the night is just a little too aerobic at 3am... So I worked making 15 of them.... then only sold one.... for $3.00.... crying because it had been a bad investment and I had lost 2 bucks of grocery money.... Oh yeah, I remember those days.
I would go to the book exchange and turn in old books just so I could look through the shelves of books and pick one out to keep. A new one. This was the highlight of my time in North Carolina.
So I found myself an outlet that fit the budget that made me feel indulged. I didn't get my hair done and trimmed my nails with kitchen shears (Yeah I still do too) and thanked God for a roof over my head and healthy kids (when they were healthy). And I knew this was just a short time in the timespan of my existance, a test of my mettle, to see what I am really made of. I was patient with my kids, made do, made my own toys and learning materials, and eventually got to move!! And get to know people I could trust to babysit.
Then I worked full time and was away from my kids. I hated spending money on lunch, but there wasn't anything at home but tomatoes and green beans and they don't pack well for lunch. My husband worked construction and we had no way to heat the house but woodstove. I chopped wood in the snow, yes indeed, but I had a really low power bill and my kids were taken care of until I could quit work and do it myself. I knew this was a test too.
Now that I have all 4 in school I have time to myself and I do indulge a bit appreciating this time in my life. I get up early and stay up late with the activities and homework and challenges and illnesses so I take naps when I want to when they are not here. I think a nap is the height of indulgence when I have floors to clean and clothes to wash and a closet that needs organizing. Nevertheless I do take some me time but I appreciate it all the more because I have been in worse spots.
No matter how selfless you are right now and feeling overwhelmed, find a way that fits your lifestyle, budget, and time to escape. Ready for a list?
Meditate
Read a book
Go out to lunch
Have your nails done
Get a sitter or mother's day out or switch babysitting with a friend
Spend QUALITY time with Daddy when the kids are in bed. This is not watching TV together. Talk, play a game, do some project together.
Volunteer with your dh to help with a project large enough to provide some child care. Team teach a class at church, help out with Cub Scouts, Boy or Girl Scouts. Doing it together helps you remember why you married this dude and signed up for this life in the first place.
Help someone more in need than you. In high school I had a friend who volunteered to watch kids for a lady one day after school every week. I thought she was crazy. She was onto something... she gave this lady time to have a bubble bath, undisturbed, read a book, run a few errands, and be rested and cheerful when her husband came home. What a gift! (Now my friend has 7 kids of her own, homeschools, and makes it all look easy. Go Carol!)
If your kids are walking, take them to Chuck E CHeese just to play.
Go to the park. Enjoy the weather and nature. Look at the other kids and think how blessed you are.
Light a candle. A smelly one if you have it.
Next time you are grocery shopping, get something to treat yourself. I get sushi if I am in the mood or carmel rice cakes (!) or buy some new hair thing. Ok sometimes I get chicken salad and sometimes I get bread pudding at Adriens. Just stuff NOBODY in the house likes but ME!! It's amazing how self-indulged I feel. I put that sushi in my purse so on the off chance someone is there to help unload the groceries they won't see it. It's my secret!
Save your change. Spend it on your favorite hobby. I have a friend (Sandy!!) who would give a 10 dollar bill if her bill was $9.01 just so she could get the change for her scrapbook addiction. She managed about $40.00 a month this way (I can't sock away that much!) to blow on herself and she loved it. Besides, scrapbooking was a great outlet that contributed to her family. You have to do something with those pictures! Justify it.
Find an interest and spend a set amount of time researching it on the internet. Teach yourself all about it. That quality time is useful to destress.
Play a video game. I used to play dumb video games when stressed. It helped when I was nursing the baby too. Babies. Ok you end up nursing a lot on the side you don't drive your mouse with, so be careful... but anyway, a game is destressing. When I am playing Freecell or Spider Solitaire, my kids know it's too loud or too much going on and they are stressing me. Find a game that relaxes you. Not timed, those make you tense: this has to be something you can get up from in the middle and not ruin the game. You are a mom, emergencies happen. And the idea is LESS stress.
I hope those give someone some ideas to destress and spend time on YOU. In the meantime, I am thinking that blogging here is a great stress reliever too. I even have a blog just to spout off about school system issues. I feel great after I get it written down. I don't care if anyone reads it or not!
And always know you're not alone and there are probably 150 people in your town feeling just like you do.
One more thing (I know I am long, it's a problem!) is that making traditions for yourself is great too. Things to look forward to help us get through the day. I used to promise myself one piece of chocolate a day. If it was bedtime and I hadn't had it yet I would get all excited and eat it before I brushed my teeth! Five pages of a book. Lunch at noon and the crossword puzzle. Check the email and reply or write to 3 people. Something to look forward to. And remember the kids like something to look forward to too, don't forget the notes in the lunches, the notes in the folders, a new pencil in the booksack. And for DH who is working so hard, he needs to destress too, so make sure you plan something for that, a walk together, a snuggle when he first comes home, a special dessert... because men rarely plan nice things for themselves either.
